‘You’re a good boyfriend, but not a roommate': While Husband Is Away for Work, Wife Realizes She Prefers Living Alone, Leading to Her Demands He’d Do More Chores

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Bar Mor Hazut • Senior Editor
Aug 6, 2024 10:00 PM EDT

When a couple's relationship starts getting really serious, there is always the question of when they should move in together. It is hard to decide when it is the right time to make such a move because sharing a space is probably the hardest challenge in the relationship. People are so different when it comes to how they treat their living space, which means there must be many disagreements.

The woman who wrote this Reddit story is at a loss about what to do in her living situation with her husband. After her husband leaves for a work trip, OP (original poster) realizes how messy he really is, and how little he helps around the house. After a week of being alone, OP decided she could not go back to how things were and considered moving out so she wouldn't have to live with her husband anymore. She then turns to Reddit to ask for advice about the situation…

Scroll down to read the full tale and the advice that followed. After you are done, click here for a story of a front desk employee who confronted a customer for asking to speak with a male manager.

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  • 01
    I (26F) don't want to live with my husband (27F) anymore right now. How can I fix this without breaking up?
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 02
    My husband (27m) and I (26F) have been having issues with the division of housework for a while now. We have been together for about four years, married for half a year. He promises to do better, he does for a week, then it's back to
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 03
    relying on me to remind him and to pick up his slack. This has been going on for over a year now, ever since we moved into a bigger apartment.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 04
    We both work full time jobs, while his is more physically taxing, mine is more mentally taxing. We agreed that a 40/60 (him/me) split would be fair, because I can do some tasks easily during my lunch breaks in home office.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 05
    However, it always ends up being more of a 20/80 and I feel like I am constantly cleaning up after him. The apartment is never fully clean, I just can't catch up. I spend so much time picking up after him, it's exhausting.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 06
    When I complain about this, I am accused of nagging. Now he has been on a business trip for a total of two weeks, coming back the coming weekend. And I don't want him too. I was even
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 07
    happy when he told me his boss prolonged his trip, because that gave me more time to get on top of the household tasks. Its so clean. And neat. No empty energy drink cans around. No
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 08
    smelly dishes that stand around for days unless I put them away. There is actually an end to housework, not the usual "there is more but I am exhausted". It smells fresh. I feel calm. Its so quiet. I actually
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 09
    have had the energy to try out new recipes and go for walks and stuff. I feel great. Don't get me wrong, I love him, but recently that feeling has been buried by my exhaustion over the whole cleaning situation.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 10
    My thoughts on our relationship are that he is a good boyfriend, but a terrible roommate. Which makes him a not so great husband. Definitely doesn't feel like a partner right now, because a partner is supposed to be a support and not an additional burden.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 11
    I just don't know what to do with this realization. Has anyone been there and has any solution that isn't breaking up or moving out?
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 12
    Tl,dr: my husband isn't doing his share of the household, I am sick of doing it all for him. He's not here for two weeks and I love living alone again. I love him, he is a good "boyfriend", but a terrible "roommate". Does anyone know how to solve this without moving out or breaking up?
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 13
    techramblings · 2 hr. ago With two of you in an apartment, housework should never be reaching a point where there is no end to it. It shouldn't be a massive chore. I'm not normally a fan of ultimatums, but I think this is one where you don't have a lot of
    via u/techramblings
  • 14
    choice. Sit the husband down and tell him what you've written above: that you are seriously considering moving out and getting your own place if he can't manage to take care of the place you currently share.
    via u/techramblings
  • 15
    Again, it shouldn't be difficult: most of this would likely be solved by him just picking stuff up as he goes; it doesn't have to be one giant effort at the end of the day or week. There is absolutely no excuse for leaving empty drinks cans lying
    via u/techramblings
  • 16
    around: just take them to the kitchen/recycling/whatever next time you're going that way. Tell him that fixing it for a week isn't going to cut it this time: either he makes a permanent change or you'll start looking for alternative places to live, because up with this you will not put.
    via u/techramblings
  • 17
    Artisinal_forks OP. 1 hr. ago I would like to set an ultimatum, but I can't actually go through on it, so it's not an option right now. I cannot find another apartment (I have cats, landlords do not like single women with cats).
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 18
    I can afford this one on my own - but only as long as I don't have to pay his way too, which, since we are married, I would have to. So then both of us would have to find smaller, cheaper apartments, which is close to impossible.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 19
    And then we are back at point one, which is that I cannot get a new apartment - at least not anywhere close to where I have built my life. He will be making more money in about two years, but until then, I am stuck. Unless of course he would
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 20
    agree to not request money from me, which he is legally entitled to, but I don't see that happening because that would put him on his friends couch for two years.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 21
    MissionRevolution306 47 min. ago So get roommates or move in with family temporarily. Nothing will change if he knows you will stay and take it. And you said you've talked about having children- your workload will multiply and your resentment will grow. And your kids will learn it's ok to treat their spouse like a servant.
    via u/MissionRevolution306
  • 22
    Some1_nz. 2 hr. ago I am sorry you have to put up with this. I was in a similar relationship which only worsened after we had kids. I was cleaning, cooking and the one getting up at night. I couldn't cope being the person doing everything and we split up. It was like a dream after that. I had so much more time as a single mom!
    via u/Some1_nz
  • 23
    Artisinal_forks OP. 53 min. ago It's so sad to read this, but I feel this. We don't have kids. We really want some some day, but thinking about it, I catch myself thinking that before I make the decision to actually have a child, I need to be ready to be a single married mom, because that's
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 24
    probably what would end up happening - technically having a partner but being responsible for everything anyway. Already see it before me... I feel like I have a lot of decisions to make.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 25
    Neacha 1 hr. ago Not only do you not miss the mess, you do not miss him. 42 Reply Share Betty_snootsandpoops 28 min. ago THIS Married for 6 months and unhappy as all get out.
    via u/Neacha
  • 26
    mare__bare 2 hr. ago When he gets home and you're sitting down, ask him if he notices something is different (if he hasn't already). And then let him know this is how you want to live. That you've been really happy with a clean house and time to relax. See what he says.
    via u/mare__bare
  • 27
    Artisinal_forks OP. 1 hr. ago That's a nice idea, but I am afraid this will be seen as picking a fight or nagging. I am pretty sure he'll tell me what a long, exhausting week he's had, and that he just wants a break. I kinda want to try it, but I have a feeling that will have the opposite effect.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 28
    Southern Trauma 53 min. ago So basically you just came here to vent? You say you can't afford to move out, but you shoot down possible stay-in- place solutions. Look, there's no magic wand that's going to change him.
    via u/SouthernTrauma
  • 29
    Artisinal_forks OP. 55 min. ago I am not purposefully shooting everything down, it's just that most ideas are things I have either tried, or that I feel will cause more issues. I am very thankful for all the input I am getting, it will definitely help me going forward. Lots of food for thought.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 30
    Like you said, there is no magical solution, I am just hoping to maybe find ideas here which I hadn't thought of before. Or, if all fails, to realize that there is no solution, and that I have to get my ducks in a row. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this. The women in my family are all either
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 31
    traditional stay at home moms/homemakers or divorced/ in relationships where they don't live together. There is not much advice to be gotten there, besides the fact I don't want to involve them in my relationship.
    via u/Artisinal_forks
  • 32
    I don't really know where I stand in this issue is it common, is there a - way out, what do other people think? So even if no suggestion here ends up helping, it's still a great help for me in order to better understand my own situation.
    via u/Artisinal_forks

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